


Those Memories Will Just Weigh You Down

by InterPlanetary_Redacted



Series: Faded Photographs [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Caring James T. Kirk, Caring Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Discussions of abuse, Domestic Fluff, Domestic McKirk, Gen, James T. Kirk Has PTSD, M/M, Mentions of Therapy, Mother-Son Discussions, Tarsus IV mentioned, They Look After Each Other, They're just sweet okay, Winona IS proud of her son, Winona explains herself somewhat, discussions of trauma, she's not great but she's learning (kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25960003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterPlanetary_Redacted/pseuds/InterPlanetary_Redacted
Summary: “Bones, I want this.”“A...child?” Bones asked tentatively when looking at the image, and Jim can’t help but laugh lightly at the immediate response.“No Bonesy, the cardigan, but adult-sized!” Bones tried to be subtle about the relieved sigh he immediately released.///I feel like this is half mckirk fluff/domesticity and half Winona being open with Jim about how she's made mistakes but she's going to improve? Yeah this is kinda...difficult without the context of at least Part 1 of this series
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Christopher Pike, James T. Kirk & Winona Kirk (kinda-ish), James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Series: Faded Photographs [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882864
Comments: 8
Kudos: 73





	Those Memories Will Just Weigh You Down

**Author's Note:**

> Me, 12 hours ago: I love the feedback that I'm getting but doing a section on Winona is going to be so difficult because I can't fully understand her emotions and the consequences  
> Me, now, posting this: welp...somehow I managed that A Lot quicker than expected? 
> 
> I've written more in the past two days than I had in the 2 weeks previous I think??? lmao that inspo really hit me tho....especially thanks to that anon who's really inspired me to write Sam and Winona better???? Seriously thanks you're a massive help! Also I love all people who read and comment and kudos on this fic! But that one anon seriously hit me in the head and just went "no you can write this" and I am so grateful for that :D!

Jim had been messaging Aurelan pretty often despite it being only two days since they met, and it consisted a lot of her showing him pictures of Peter when he was younger and dressed in cute uniforms and adorable raincoats - Jim was actually jealous of a yarn cardigan the kid had when he was just over a year old; it was perfect Command Gold and it looked supremely comfortable. 

“Bones, I want this.” 

“A...child?” Bones asked tentatively when looking at the image, and Jim can’t help but laugh lightly at the immediate response. 

“No Bonesy, the cardigan, but adult-sized!” Bones tried to be subtle about the relieved sigh he immediately released. “It’s so cute and I would suit it so well.” 

“Jim, I have never seen you wear a piece of clothing even similar to that in adult sizes - your jumpers don’t really count in this situation. They’re not in the same style and...do you actually have anything in your wardrobe that’s this colour aside from the clothes that you think I don’t know Chris gave to you as a sign that you’re automatically going to be assigned to some ship immediately under Command Track gold with a pretty high rank, I’d assume since he gave them to you so soon when graduation is not too far away,” Bones ranted, but the man did have a slight point, Jim had to concede. 

“Okay, maybe I don’t have something which is in this colour, nor style, but it’s perfect for if I’m a little chilly on the bridge and everybody else feels great with the temperature!” 

“Ships are climate controlled,” Bones points out drily. 

“And there can be malfunctions!” Jim counters, knowing that they’re just almost-arguing for the sake of it. 

“I mean, sure, but you’d have other clothes then, not to mention that you do get thermals for when you travel to cold planets, which I have no doubt you’d manage to worm your way onto even if you weren’t a part of the away crew originally.” 

“Maybe so!” 

Jim’s comm beeps again, this time with a message from Chris. 

_ Winona has had her medical file updated _ , is all the message says, causing Jim to scrunch his eyebrows. He knows that Chris probably doesn’t know specifics because Phil would tell him, but he has way too much integrity as a doctor to give away patient’s information, even if he doesn’t particularly have anything nice to say about said patient. Then another message comes through.  _ She has also messaged me about setting up a meeting between the two of you _ . Jim can’t help but sigh. 

“Winona apparently wants to meet, according to Chris,” is Jim’s answer when Bones asks what’s wrong. He takes a few moments to reply to Aurelan saying that something came up and he’ll have to talk to her tomorrow, but he’s sure to send his love along with the message. 

“Oh?” 

“I don’t know anything more than that. Do you think I should do it? Chris also says that she’s updated her medical file. I don’t know what that could mean.” 

“It probably won’t be anything from any doctors within Starfleet because Chris said that  _ Winona _ was the one to update it, right? Well, she wouldn’t usually update it herself unless she had something specific to say or do or request, y’know? More may come up in the next few days.” Bones waits several minutes while Jim just stares at Chris’ message. “Are you going to agree to a meeting?” 

“I...don’t know. I guess part of me wants to, to see what else she has to say after her lack of contribution to the last conversation, but I’m also scared out of my mind at what she could say.” 

“Isn’t that always a possibility with anybody you’re close to? Haven’t you ever felt like that when going to talk to Chris?” Bones asks gently. 

“I mean...not really? I mean yeah, Chris hurt me when I was younger but it wasn’t  _ him _ doing it y’know? Him saying he’s gonna be there for me when I wake up from another surgery in hospital and not being able to because his Captain requested him isn’t his fault. Winona choosing to leave when I was a kid was entirely of her own decision. It was her own actions which hurt me,” Jim explains. 

He knows that Bones already knows all of this information, can connect the dots easier than Jim when he has all the information and simply wants Jim to vocalise it on his own, but Jim still appreciates that Bones doesn’t actually vocalise anything until he needs obvious help, because it doesn’t feel like he’s being spoken at as if he were unintelligent or a child, of which he knows he is neither. 

“So, are you gonna meet her?” Bones asks again. 

“I don’t know. Should I? We’re kinda grounded for a while now since a lot of the ships have to be repaired or rebuilt, but hers wasn’t anywhere near the tragedy when it happened so she can leave as soon as her captain gets permission and a full crew together.” 

“I know. Think about it and reply to Chris now saying that you’ll tell him tomorrow if you agree.” 

Jim nods and does just that so that he can’t conveniently put it off by saying he forgot - even when he, Bones, and Chris all know that he won’t be forgetting the task at all and his thoughts will be plagued for the night. 

* * *

Two days later finds Jim in a general conference room, a large oval table at the centre with eight chairs surrounding it and a screen on the wall nearest the door. 

He had agreed to the meeting if he could have Chris there with him as a mediator of some sort. 

Winona was already there, as was Chris, who had moved a chair out of the way so that he could sit between the pair of them and not cause himself extra inconvenience. 

(It was probably also why he’d caught Phil going in the opposite direction from him while he was walking here, even if the other man didn’t see him directly.) 

Winona clearly looked tense, avoiding to look at Chris at all, seemingly preparing herself with several deep breaths when she briefly glanced up at the door sliding open to reveal Jim. Chris clearly hadn’t cared either way since he was still finishing up typing something on his padd. 

It wasn’t unusual for Chris to be typing away on his padd for so long, however he didn’t seem as focused as he usually would and, as such, Jim was pretty sure he was just sending a casual message. 

Winona stood as he got closer, and he tensed in anticipation, even though she did nothing but gesture to the side opposite her for him to take a seat, sitting down when he did. 

“Jim, thank you for agreeing to meet me,” she starts, and Jim just nods, not knowing what kind of response he could give. She was still clearly stern and her face was stiff, hair pulled back tightly and uniform up to perfect regulation standards. Jim didn’t expect anything else. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I asked for this meeting.” Jim nods again, because he’s not going to respond arbitrarily to just fill the awkward silence. 

It’s awkward, and the atmosphere could almost choke him if it wanted to, however Jim continued sitting. 

He knew that he had gone the complete opposite way from Winona, wearing one of Bones’ college sweaters which was too loose on the shoulders so it hung down and covered his clenched fists easily. He preferred to just wrap his fingers around the soft cuff, however, and play with the slight frays in the edges. Bones had taken good care of his sweaters but it wasn’t unexpected even when Jim had only known him a month. 

He was wearing jeans and boots along with it. 

Chris was between, wearing a shirt and smart pants, but a more casual jacket over the top of it. 

Jim didn’t know what shoes either of them were wearing. 

“I feel like I need a chance to- to explain myself,” Winona says, but Jim is paying more attention to how she says the words rather than the words themselves. 

Jim remembers, because of course he does, when he was young and his mother was there for short periods of time. Two weeks was probably the longest that she’d been at the farm in his early childhood. Maybe a month at the most. 

She used to - not quite stutter, or stumble, but she used to - hesitate. Hesitate and almost act like she was going to say something completely different to what came out and finished her sentence. And it was never out of anxiety, Jim doesn’t think, but it wasn’t out of the indignant anger it had become as he grew older. It was just as if she was shocked. Not lost her train of thought but as if something just occurred to her in the middle of the sentence but she was determined to finish it. 

This, he could hear, was out of uncertainty. Not quite anxiety, but almost as if she doesn’t know how what she says is going to be received. 

“I don’t want to raise your expectations of me, but I want you to know that I’m- working- on it,” she tells him. 

Jim didn’t have any expectations of her anyway, but he doesn’t voice the thought out loud in the quiet of the room. He feels like it should be an obvious thought. 

“I was...not a good mother, to either you or your brother but especially to you.” Saying it seems to relieve some of the tension, although not enough for it to be comfortable still. As if admitting was the first step. 

And maybe it was. 

“I wasn’t a good mother to you and I need to accept that, now, I can no longer be a mother to you at all, and it is my fault.” Jim agrees, but the way she’s talking makes his throat clench with anger at words he doesn’t yet want to say. “I know-  _ I know _ , that I was not a good mother for you, and perhaps I could have been in another life.” 

Another life, like the one Elder Spock spoke of, where his father never died and was there to see him off and congratulate him the day he became Captain of the Enterprise. In that world, Winona probably was not a bad mother. 

“But that is not the life we are living,” Jim tells her truthfully, nodding once in agreement to her words, causing her to echo the motion. 

“It is not. And for that, I am sorry. After our Agreement Meeting, I decided to do some reflection about the things you said, and you were right.” Not something Jim exactly expected to hear from Winona, and judging by the way Chris’ head momentarily snaps up with an incredulous stare, neither did he, but he can...somewhat appreciate the gesture regardless. 

“About?” Jim is genuinely curious. 

“You have suffered far more than I could imagine. Even when I did not see you, the thought of your death brought me pain - and still does. You felt that feeling multiple times and I was not there to support you after such traumatic experiences, even if their passings hadn’t occurred.” 

“Murders.” 

“What?” Winona scrunches her eyebrows at him, and for a moment he can see a bit of where he himself came from and not just his father. 

“My children were murdered, and I will not accept any other word for it. It wouldn’t do them the justice they deserve,” Jim explains. 

“Murdered,” she nods in agreement, though he can’t tell if it’s just for the sake of placating him or not which sets him on edge slightly. “Not to mention Frank,” she continued. “I knew something wasn’t right when you were kids, and it was only cemented when George ran away to your grandparents, but he said you were staying there and I believed it by your own choice.” Jim couldn’t help rolling his eyes. “Foolish of me now, perhaps, to have believed George at the time, however I have come to accept that perhaps I have not always had clear thinking when it comes to you.” 

Jim almost snorted at that response because it feels like a bit of an understatement. Instead he just rolls his lips a few times to stop himself saying something. 

“If nothing else I admit I should have checked on you and that is my fault.” She sighs before continuing. “You were right, you have seen more therapists and psychologists than I have, and that is a wrongdoing on my part as I should have seen at least one, if not as many as you.” 

He almost snaps at her that it isn’t a competition on who can get the most trauma, but again he holds himself back. 

“I’ve never really even thought of your achievements, even when it was your own work I was using as research and ways to improve the ship, and your work was the talk of the engineers on my ship. They would always say ‘isn’t James T Kirk your boy?’ and I’d just say that it could be another one. But I knew. I knew you were that intelligent and I never really appreciated that - or  _ you _ . I was too caught up in my own grief after you were born. I saw the preliminary therapists and attended a couple of grief counselling sessions, but I never continued with them, and I didn’t really think that I needed to at the time because I felt...fine. At least as far as I was concerned. I didn’t think I needed counselling or therapy or a psychiatrist and that is a failure on my part, as your parent and as a person in general,” she admits. 

“But you thought leaving your kids with a man you barely knew and they had met once before you were legally married was sound of mind?” Jim can’t help asking, scathingly as he could manage. 

“At the time? Yes.” Jim swallows at the honest response. “I know now that I was not thinking clearly but at the time all I could think was that I wanted to be back out in the stars and it was where I needed to be. The only place I  _ could _ be. In space, on a new ship, seeing new planets and different technologies, there was nothing to remind me of your father but I felt like he was there all the same. When I was on the farm, I felt constricted and like I was surrounded by my worst nightmares. And you were there.”

Because that response makes Jim feel any better. 

“In my mind I knew that it was not your fault, that your father would have done the same regardless of whether or not I had gone into early labour. But I also associated everything about you with George. I’ve seen his baby pictures. You looked just like he did. And as you grew up I saw more and more of him in you and I could not stand it.” 

“I hadn’t actually seen you since I was, what, fourteen? Only briefly. And before that I was maybe ten? At ten years old I reminded you so much of your dead husband that you couldn’t stand to face your own child?” Jim can’t help his response but he just feels so angry, and his anger feels justified. 

“Yes, I know it was bad and wrong but I have already made these mistakes.” 

“They should not be mistakes to make!” Jim breathes heavily after his outburst, face heating up unexpectedly. 

“You’re right,” she responds, still calm. “But it is one that I have already made, regardless, and we cannot go back in time and fix it.” 

Jim cracks his neck slightly, rolling his head around his shoulders. 

“I have made my mistakes,” she says again, clearly resigned. “I do not expect forgiveness, or even understanding, but I know now that I was in the wrong and- you have grown up to be a much better man than I could have ever hoped, or your father.” She looks at him with a small, tremulous smile, but he cannot help but joke and brush off the moment. 

“Thanks, it’s the trauma,” he tells her blandly. 

Her face shutters slightly and she takes a breath. “I know that there is nothing I can really do to right my wrongs now, you are an adult, with no need for parental influence from me in the slightest, something I’m sure you’re well aware of, but I need you to know that if I could go back and do it again, I would, in a  _ heartbeat _ . I was wrong to think I knew better than my superiors, people who had lost more people than I at that point in time, but I was still young and stupid, thinking I knew what was best. I was already raising one child pretty well, why couldn’t I raise two on my own?” She chuckles, self deprecating, before her face straightens out again. “I mean every apology that I give, and even if you have no desire to hear from me once we are each back in space, then I want you to know that I am taking that initiative to finally get help. Help that I needed long ago and still do today. If not for myself, then the memory of who I once was, when George was by my side and I felt like we could take on the universe, and for you, the baby whom I failed but still turned into a wonderful young man.” Her lips quirk up at one side. “I do not know you as a person, and probably never did, but still I am proud that somebody so wonderful came from all of this, and everything you do, I will never be disappointed.” 

Jim feels like something within himself has been released. Something in his chest feels just that little bit lighter. 

And he knows it will be remaining from his own childhood expectations of her, of just wanting her to look at him and be proud of what he was doing; not even to love him but to acknowledge him in the very least. 

“That is...good, to hear,” he tells her haltingly. He isn’t sure what else he is supposed to say;  _ ‘Thank you for the trauma that not only you caused but that was caused a result of your actions’ _ ? He doesn’t think he can. Not yet. “You just have to try and be better, for Peter, and the other kiddo on the way from them, as well as any others,” Jim says, unable to know what else to say, but continues anyway. “I do not know if I will be able to forgive you, for months or years, if at all, but I appreciate knowing that I impacted you enough to make you change your mind about something long overdue.” 

He does appreciate it, and all she can do now is better for her grandkids, if not for her grown children who have lives and jobs not intertwined with her at all. 

Winona’s own padd beeps after seconds in silence, and she glances at it before opening it up fully to read through quickly. 

“I think I have to go now, in order to get to an appointment with an off-campus therapist, but is there anything else you think we should discuss quickly before I do?” 

_ Did you feel no remorse at leaving after I returned from Tarsus? _

But he doesn’t say it, just shakes his head and smiles sadly. 

“I’m happy you’re getting help,” he motions to the door encouragingly. “Go.” She smiles back at him, more professional than anything, but it’s better than nothing, he thinks, before she walks out of the room swiftly.

Jim can’t help but completely sag himself down in his seat, unbothered about keeping up a somewhat professional appearance any longer. 

He breathed in deeply and audibly, not caring for Chris’ thoughts, before letting it gust out of him doing the same again several times, occasionally holding his breath before breathing out once more. 

“Do you feel better?” 

“I don’t know? She didn’t really say anything I didn’t already know,” is Jim’s honest answer. 

“But she admitted it. She’s accepted it and said it to you that those were actions and she is taking responsibility, but she doesn’t claim that she made you a better person because of her actions. She said you were brilliant  _ in spite of _ them and I think that was important for you to hear.” 

“Yeah.” 

“It is one thing for me and Phil and Leonard, or even a multitude of therapists, that you’re brilliant regardless of what happened to ‘make you’ turn out this way,” he says, with fingers moving where he means there to be quote marks. “But, and you’ve admitted this to me yourself, she is the biggest source of emotional trauma you’ve had since you were young. And you heard her apologize, and say she is proud of you for the man you have become. It doesn’t fix everything, you’re right,” Jim looks up at him, confused. “I could tell you were thinking it. Do you feel much different towards her after this meeting?” 

“I feel...good that she’s admitted she needs help and is planning to get it,” Jim says. “But it doesn’t change how I’ve felt in the past. My feelings are valid and I have a right to feel the way that I do about actions which led to my trauma which were not my fault because I was a child and not in control of the situations around me,” Jim recites easily, a reminder for his feelings about things that he couldn’t control. 

“Good. Now, let’s go grab something to eat, shall we? Phil will probably be done soon and he can join us,” Chris offers, knowing that Jim probably won’t want to be alone right now but Bones had a long shift that he wasn’t able to work around and won’t be back until almost midnight. Not that Jim minds, because Bones is doing what he does best, which is looking after people, but right now Jim needs his family there for him. 

* * *

Jim found it unbearably easy to not move from the loveseat he was on in Chris’ living room, especially after the man had given it up that evening to go and lay in bed. 

Jim had gone with him at first, and listened as the man continued to read to him from a more comfortable position, but he was eventually kicked back to the loveseat so that Phil could eventually join Chris in bed when he was finished cleaning up from their dinner. 

Jim could easily go to the guest room which contained more of his own things than general amenities for guests, but he knew that Bones would be coming here when his shift was done and Jim wanted to be there immediately when he was so he could help the older man relax. 

Jim was only half-asleep, having attempted to stay awake, drifting in and out as he did his best to wait for Bones, but he was instantly awake as soon as he heard the door open, almost tangling himself in the blanket placed over him in an attempt to reach his partner so quickly. 

“Hi Bonesy,” Jim whispered, not wanting to really change the quiet atmosphere surrounding them. 

“Hi Jim,” he whispers back, voice weary, but Jim doesn’t mind as he walks ahead of Bones to the kitchen to fix him a small snack while the man takes off his boots. 

It was handmade bread, toasted, and with paté spread over the top, two slices, something with flavour that would fill Bones until morning. 

He also got the man a glass of warmed milk since he didn’t really have the patience to wait for tea at the moment and he doubted the other man would be on his feet for long enough. 

It was a peaceful quiet as Jim sat on the counter, wrapping his arms around Bones’ shoulders to help him remain upright for the moment, one hand holding the plate, and the other holding a slice of toast for Bones to eat, even though he grumbled for the hundredth time that he’s “not a child, dammit”, but Jim liked doing this for him, and Bones didn’t put up as much protest as usually, nor was it as loud. So he counted it as even more of a win than usual. 

The first time they did this had been like pulling teeth with Bones and the memory still caused him to roll his eyes at the man even as much as he loved him regardless. 

It was easy to lead Bones to bed and strip him, a different routine than most nights, but Jim enjoyed it when he was able to look after Bones, climbing in after him but wriggling his way into Bones’ arms.

He had sent Bones a short update not long after he left the conference room he had been in with Chris, but he knew they’d probably discuss it more in the morning, before Bones went in for his shift not long after noon. 

Until then he’d sleep, relishing in the small amount of peace that today brought in his chest. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this, I hope you liked it, please comment and kudos if you did but you don't have to or anything, I just hope you enjoyed what you read! I feel like there might be a couple more pieces that I can wring out of this general series? Like Jim in his own therapy session maybe? Also five years later in Family Therapy? But that would be more crack, I think? But there can be family gatherings when Aurelan's baby is born so there is also that and I mean???? Idk, Jim with various therapists through the years would be probably the next and possibly final part? Maybe??? yeah idk BUT! 
> 
> I hope that you think I did Winona justice in some kind of way even if I was not super specific with the issues she has, because I wanted it to be more about her apologizing to Jim and admitting that she'd done wrong by him and whatnot, but I think that by focusing on such details where Jim remembers things about her from his childhood is what would make the differences stand out and make it obvious that she's trying to change in the least, along with her words. Even though Jim is still happy to hear her admitting what happened, he's not gonna let all of his guards drop immediately for her when she had such a large impact (in this series) within his childhood emotional trauma
> 
> Seriously, hope you liked it, hope you're doing well with our current circumstances, and if you wanna follow me on tumblr then it's interplanetary-redacted or whatever my ao3 username is at the date of you reading this fic!


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